I'm constantly running away.

Running away from things and I'm struggling to have my own private space. A place where I thought I can share, but  sadly, I've created my own world.

I'm near imploding. That pushed me to run from the 26th floor to the basement comfort room to find comfort. Not to whatever call of nature, but from the emotional distress that I've been nurturing. I just had to somehow, breakdown.

I asked her last night if she sometimes makes me jealous on purpose. And she answered yes. With the lingering quesion "why?" - I chose to close the topic and try to pass out.

Because it makes me feel insecure about myself.

I'm feeling stagnance once again.

I can't sleep. We just came from a game of Tennis *Not actually playing yet - And I swear, I am tired.

... Each time I'd fall under your gaze, I lose track of time and my breathing becomes limited to almost not at all. It's a casual everyday spell you cast and it never fails to stupefy me. I try not to act like a fool and by doing so, I actually make a complete fool of myself. It's harsh and cruel but I surrender..

.. I tried to control this obsession but it only drives me crazy. I crave for the scent of your skin, the touch of your hand, I want to run my fingers through your hair... I longed to hear your voice over and over again.

--> She, sometimes drive me nuts with her silence. We were eating lunch over at Wendy's. I honestly can't go through her mind. She's not "other people", and for some reason, my "super powers" never works on her. Although, this morning, the clouds were a little bit friendly. Shading just the tennis court. That was energy sucking. It's worth it. Two breads for breakfast helped. Now I suffer this magnificent migraine and I still can't sleep.

... The only reason I'm reasoning is, for all the reasons in the world, I can only find it reasonable to not reason with reason because when I say I make you my reason for reasoning, there isn't much reason to reason with. It is but reasonable to not reason with you... my reason.

In time, she'll know about this site.

It's so convenient for this site to be just out here.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep in her arms in the office. I was early, as usual because I don't bring my car anymore. There must be a good reason for that. I didn't know I was that upset. Now as a consolation, people who were promoted had to stay late in the office to wait for everybody to log out. I'm glad now that I didn't get the position, although it's a close cut.

Talk about comfort, there I found rest in her arms. I need no words to explain. I just know she understood. I'm not sure if I'm now okay, I haven't been myself for almost 48hours now.

We watched a movie, finally - I'm trying not to snap. Good thing she keeps me sane.

Off the record, Man, she's hot on those spag straps. Too bad I can't go beyond that now. It's the time of the month. She showed me some college photos last night, and she was so different. Although, I saw the same face that I saw before, but her eyes proved to be a perfect stranger. Is that the same Jc she wanted to go back to?

I hope I still recognize her by then.

And she just left for home. It's crazy that I'm blogging here and there.

Yep, she dropped by. Why? I was going nuts. I learned last night that I didn't get the position that I applied for. Not that I cared that much but a week or two of contemplation about it is insufferable. Plus, I didn't get the phone that I wanted. Oh well.

The highlight of the event was, she reread this story that I used to write. Just for the heck of wanting to feel a little bit of jealousy.

Jealous?!

Why would anyone wants to feel that? Especially her?

Maybe I won't be able to make her realize that all that I am now functions as because there is she.. -in my life.

How can anybody write passionately about somebody when all happens, the emotions and passion flow intricately when she is beside me? What more to say I can't stay engaged in her stare, with those eyes - eyes that drives me wild inside - eyes that makes me surrender to her will and command.

Everyday in my life now, almost a year this coming month, It's less that 20 days that I can count that I wasn't able to see her. And it still never fails. She still makes me gasp silently - stop - and fall all over again. I meant it when I fall.. everyday she makes me fall.. and she don't make it hard.

The other day, she showed up in the office - drunk. Pouring her heart out on how she don't know herself anymore. I honestly didn't know what to say.

Mentioning that she needs some time, I'm weary about WHEN she would need that time alone.

More so, How can I tell her that I can't make it alone? But I perfectly respect her needs. I will have to find things that will keep me busy by then. Maybe it's time to get in touch with long lost contacts? Or.. I don't know yet.

Question:

The moment that she askes for her time and serves it, am I gonna be ready to try standing alone?

This is like live torture.

Of course she wouldn't know this at all.

On me thinking

I woke up with my throat so itchy this morning. I was suppose to go to work but I just don't have the motivation to. And besides, I'm nearly expired. I didn't get much rest and sleep yesterday kasi paguwi dito, few hours lang, I had to prepare na going to the dinner/party in QC for the reunion chuva ng mga relatives ko sa Father's side. Weird nga e. Pinsan ko, batch ni Dadi.. Pamangkin ko.. er.. I think that is how we are related, batch ko.. and by Goodness.. Gwapito ang mokong. Ugh!

On me with my past life

Yah.. I still have communication with my former significant other. Casual .. or atleast I'm still trying to be. Four years and so is not a joke. I must say, may friendship naman na nabuo dun e. I just cringe with the knowledge that they now do the things we used to do. I just want to vomit with the idea. Literal. My stomach turns. Well.. kung mahal nya e. Bahala na si batman. Pro now.. mejo carry ko na ung thought. Its bound to happen din naman someday e. Nagulat lang ako. Pikon pa man din ako pag nagugulat. I still am not giving my blessing tho. Siguro saka na.

On me with work

Crush ko si Earl. Haha! Wala lang. Gusto ko lang i-declare na crush ko sha. Oeniway, Jc is fast becoming an issue to me and literal, its scary to think of. Kabit lang ako e. Yep..that is the story, plain and simple. Its usually not an issue to me with arrangements like this pero..  I think something in me feels so wrong with the whole idea. If its just going to be a spur of the moment thing, lets just say I'm starting to collect the moments which is so not acceptable. Much as I want to live with just like that.. admittedly, Hindi ko pa kaya.

On me with what I want

I want to go Ballroom dancing. Yes, this idea has always been at the back of my mind. Nagising na lang ulit last night sa party cz old couples danced so gracefully on the floor. I'll find a right dancing partner someday. For now, I'm in it for the dance. And Bart, wala akong pakialam kung palagay mo e pangmatrona un. I'd rather go with old people's company and acquire wisdom there than stay with young drinking and smoking and struggling young ones.

On me with finding myself

Uhuh.. praning pa din ako with that. I am still into resisting picking up that chanting beads and start to go back to my meditation. Be lost in the mantra. Also, I want to find time to go back to my former band. Yes they so want me back with them, ayoko lang na magccause nanaman ako ng war just like the last time. And again, I'm there for the love of music. Ugh.. Music.. its been a while since I heard music. Last night, there was a band. I wasn't really impressed. But I'm not accustomed to being just an audience. Or maybe, its just a period of my turn to listen and watch life flow.

On me changing

Not a whiner. Primarily because no one would tolerate that anymore. Haha! I used to have a lot of say on things. Just now that I stopped and was forced to lay back and hold. So much that I wanted to share everything with my Dad, uhh..maybe someday. The most sane person that I feel so at ease with.

On me moving on

I'm taking the first step. I'm 23. That's a fact. With all I've been through, I'm expecting less mistakes this time. I'm not setting standards with myself, Its just that, I am. Haha! Emotionally worn out, I'm just rejuvinating. There really is no sense of holding on to something gone. If its just going to be the ghosts of my past who bothers me on my quiet hour, let that quiet hour remain quiet. Just between me and myself, I don't think I would want that to trip me along the way. These has been the foundation of my past who made me who I am now.

On me rationalizing things

I know I'm putting everything into writing now, I'm bound to break a few someday..I just know that no one will judge me. Even if they do, I. Dont. Care.

I will be back in a better condition. I just know that.